I can ride a bike! Oh, I know, most of you cracked the cycling code before you could spell ‘handlebars’ but for me this is a huge victory. Granted, I can’t really steer and more just follow the bike’s general bearing and I’ve only ever managed to turn left but, as long as I avoid roundabouts and don’t really mind ending up somewhere I had no intention of going, I think I can call this a success.

How did I finally manage it? I’m not really sure. I tried and fell and wobbled until my legs were as bruised as a peach in a tumble drier then, just as my patience and my epidermis was wearing thin, everything – the balance, the stance and, at last, the pedalling – somehow just jostled into the right order and I was, very unsteadily, moving in what can only be described as a forward-ish direction.

Where do my bike – the lovely Bertha – and I go from here then? I don’t know. Do they do cycling proficiency tests for adults?